Went to take graduation photos today. As usual, I didn't feel too comfortable when e whole family is together. Always felt awkward. Before we set off, my mum was fussing a little too much over our dressing, clearly being very excited and happy. The father then remarked that there was no need to be so excited. At this juncture, I was ready to release some stinging words that i've held back for way too long. I told him that its obvious he can't share the same excitement. Afterall, he had no idea how I graduated or from what course or school at all. He had no idea how I had to fret over every installment of tuition fees, no idea how I had to work and study. He had no idea how much it cost. He had no idea what when on in our lives. He had no interest and he didn't care. I felt that the photo would be a family portrait - with a stranger sitting there. I even felt that it would be like giving credit to someone who never put in any effort to make the event happen.

On the way there, mum mentioned the graduating photos that a friend's family took when her daughter graduated from polytechnic. The father asked about her children. My mum pointedly (or not) mentioned that her friend's husband gave his daughter half of his CPF monies which amounted to about 40k, allowing her to further her studies overseas. This man we're talking about is a man who not only overslept on his own wedding day, didn't bring enough money home to put bread on the table but also had a mistress in China. The same man had the audacity to openly bring his mistress home and brazenly call the mistress using the house phone in front of his wife. This is a man who cared enough to put aside money for his children's education when they were younger. He is a terrible husband. But a good father. On hearing what my mum said, my father just went "Mm." and kept silent.

I often tell myself, my future and my life depends on myself. I have to carve my own way. I have no one to blame but myself if I screw my life up. But at times, I can't help but feel that I've been dealt e shorter end of the stick when it comes to family. I screwed my JC life up (no thanks to a certain 'In' and a certain 'Yap') but I came out of it stronger and with people I knw who would be lifetime friends like my darling Audrey Teo. And I know I will do my utmost best not to screw my life up in any other way anymore. I had enough. My mum blames herself though.. she blames herself for not being able to be brave and eloquent enough to march down to school to scold a certain 'In' in the face. The people in my family who stood up for me were my uncles. One of them called 'In' to demand for my rights to an award, scaring her so much she pretended she didn't understand English. And both came down to plead with Mickey before. Any wonder why I respect them so much? I hate the father for letting my mum feel such guilt when its clearly not her fault. I hate him for not taking his position as the head of the house. Fatherly duties were all done by my uncles. Yes I owe him half my life and perphaps some money. But nothing else.

I think I really had enough of useless men I encounter in my life. I heard stories and I saw many unfolding before my eyes; those of my friends or my mum's friends or extended families' friends etc... Not just those in the generation before us but our generation too.

Men often remark that women don't know what they want. But I beg to differ. At least I do; and I believe many women do too. We know what we want. But can men make the cut? Why is it that they can ask so much of a woman yet ask so little out of themselves? If a woman is a flirt, we say she's a slut. If a man's a flirt, we say he's a womanizer or a playboy or he's just playing a fool. Why do men demand women to be smart, yet submissive? Don't they have enough guts to take on our wits and sharp tongue? Rather than blaming women nowadays for being too quick with their words, too sharp with their tongues, why don't they improve to be faster than us? Why do they deem that women should manage the house and do chores? Do they not have a part in staying in the same house? Or are their hands made of gold, too precious to touch a mop?

Give me a smart man and I'll show you one with degrading morals. Give me a less smart man with good morals and you see my brain rusting away, degenerating with every second that pass me by. Give me someone who's just right (Haven't met one yet though) and I'll bet he has an attitude problem.

Kelvin is perphaps the only man I've met that made me feel that marriage might not be that fearful a thing. But every time he's indecisive, inefficient or when I meet an asshole of a man my heart tells me marriage is a no-go area. Long term relationships perphaps might be a better option for everyone.

My manager Sean, seems to be an exception though. We sometimes discuss relationship stuff. Perphaps he sees a little of Kelvin in himself. His wife and him, kel and I. They've been married for several years and before that, it was a good almost 10 years of courtship. Till date, when his wife calls him to tell him the most random and mundane of things, he still listens intently and laughs with her and shares her feelings. He's still emotionally connected to her. Sean himself agreed that most men behave differently before and after marriage. I asked him whether that applied to him. He thought for a while and said in a very serious manner,"No. Not me." Through these months, as he sometimes asks me about Kel, he concluded that (in his words) "Mm.. zhe ge nan ren jia de guo" But I wouldn't forget that he's a salesman afterall. :) (Would you like to buy ice, Mr. Eskimo? =p)

Its been a long post.. But I guess through everything, I understand myself more. Why, out of all aspects of financial planning, I often emphasize the importance of endowment plans? I never thought of encouraging my clients to get health plans for their children. I didn't want them to be like me. We want to study more but we're limited by finances. I can still do so. But at the expense of my mum's savings? What if I die? My mom would lose a daughter AND her life savings! That's why I bought insurance for myself. But still, even with the guarantee that if I die, she would get back much more than what she loaned me, i still didn't feel good about taking her money. i know this sounds like propaganda. But for those of you who know me, you would know that is not the main agenda of this post. For those of you who love to misunderstand me, I don't give a F**K what you think anyway.





Its been a long long time since i laughed so much in a day / felt so relaxed and happy in a day. I have kel to thank for that.. and now I keep wanting to go back to wild wild wet. =p i keep wanting to relive that day.. totally didn't want the day to end.. the day's program was fantastic but the company was better.. without which, i wouldn't have as much fun..

2 days b4 my bday, kel sent an invitation to his stipulated program with the itenery attached.. breakfast at one of my favourite breakfast place followed by a day of fun at wild wild wet.. couldn't get enough of it.. (supposed to have manicure & pedicure inserted after wild wild wet..) collection of cake at katong, dinner at bellini grande, opening of secret prezzie at mt faber.. *love*

u guys really have to try the cake at 7th Manna.. located along katong.. kel wanted to order their famous brandied cherries but it wasn't available =( nevertheless their chocolate divine was divine indeed! B Restaurant @ Bellini Grande was fab too.. guys, if you're reading this, this restaurant is one u would want to bring a date to.. the service is good, the food is good and so is the ambiance.. kel originally wanted to do dinner in the flyer (like sky dining @ jewel box @ mt faber but not in cable car) but thankfully he didn't.. nothing to see on the flyer at this point in time anyway.. better save it for the future when all the construction is done.. will let pics do the talking..










kel said he was pretty embarressed to tell he guy what he wanted to write on the cake so he said he'll text the baker.. lol







that white thingy is cauliflower mousse.. didn taste cauliflowerish at all..



the 200 days old moo moo is a must-try! but i personally prefer the lamb..



lamb! also a must-try..



nice malay waitress asked whether the cake was hand made.. kel said no but later in the car said "shld have said 'yes.. but not by me.. HAHA'" ahem.. anw she was so cute.. she asked me to make a 'honorary cut' before getting the chef to cut us a slice.. i hesitated a little and couldn really bear to cut the pretty cake and she said "very sayang hor?" lol we proceeded to "ya! very sayang!" together.. haha she's so adorable..







hand made foam flowers.. every single one of them.. :) *touched* poor kitty looked so sad...

senior was really a dear.. thru past experiences i know that no matter how i reject his gifts it will eventually return to me.. rejection is futile.. so this time round i accepted it but lunch to be on me at ichiban..







i'm officially 24... =( old...